Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Floyds Draft 2

Time had passed when I felt the sudden slither of breath touch the back of my neck. It came with a  raspy rattle  and an oxygen liquid lick on my spine. The shudder remained. "I am Jesus" whispered the snake voice. "I know". A white noise rang in my bones and began to vibrate through out  to a point of intense internal burn. What was a whimper became a scream. What once was energised fell to the ground. My knees crushed onto the eternal mist. The agony electricuted through my vains and  bursting blood vessels , reducing my bones to a jelly substance. My hands ripped and walked away from me, dancing in front of my very eyes. My lungs squeezed threw the rib cage to slap my face like large steaks. My tears boiled on there lids. My whole system and structure was re arranging. As if Jesus was levitating my atoms like bricks into new buildings. The white noise grew louder and louder until my skull began to burst with flame and tremble like an earthquake. Within a flash my entire body blew up. Flying threw the white mist i could see yet without eyes the slithers of meat, bits of bone wires of vein and sprays of blood flying out into all directions. I even saw my eyes fly past me. The pain had stopped now. All was peace. I was without a body. Yet conciouss. Floating away.  I no longer saw my hurtling remains. I just flew threw the white void. My concioussness gathered speed thru the mist until I saw the mist like a white floating planet. Perfectly spherical. Humming thru space. Out of the white and into the black. Nothing. Black. Void. Silhouettes appeared like vague rainbow waterfalls pouring thru random pours of space. Contained in this sacred treacle were my memories. Within the colours I could make out my beautifull mother. A flash of my wife Eva. My dog. The sadness was unbearable. Friends long gone. Within the water were diffrent outcomes of what I could of been. I wish I could jump into them with a splash and start again. "Im sorry". The rainbow waterfalls faded away and I returned to the empty hum of space. I floated and thought for a while untill my concioussness landed with a thud onto another planet. I rested on spitting black rock  and liquid lava that roared like the volcanoes around me. My essence began to wilt like a flower. My body had gone and now my soul was to burn. Hell had roared and consumed many a man. Never to return. The ultimate end. My soul burned slowly letting me feel. Memories and opinions turned to smoke. My ideals began to vanquish. Before the last pettle burnt out the rainbow silhoutte returned this time encompassing the entire sky of the planet. Within the waves a million eyes glared like a jury. They watched my last moments. They will never have last moments. There essence was granted immortality. The eyes of children, women and men all stared at peace. My last piece of soul began to boil and within its steam I evaporated from all that id ever known. I never was or would be.


  1. This is a rather dark fiction to me. The imaginary visual gave off as I read really sucks me into it. I'm not very sure if you are a Christian but as I decipher this fiction is the happy ending for a sin soul as it escaped from being tortured forever with the generosity of Jesus. The sound of a 'snake voice' is rather odd for the saviour. If that's the case I suggest you write something as the feather-weight voice, soothing voice would be better. Well, I won't go against it if you wanted to describe an enrage Jesus though. Nice fiction.

  2. It's very desriptive and writing from a first person point of view made me visualise it quite well. Nice use of similes and metaphors. I like how the conclusion is linked to the introuduction. There are little mistakes such as capitals and spelling issues, but other than that its a job well done! :D